Swanky Jee*

Is It You?

2009-12-03T21:38:00.000+08:00

Is it you?
Or was it what I made you wear
The robe I've been saving
Since I was small enough
To walk around the sand castle I built

Is it you?
What if I climb up all the way
And found out it was not you
How do I climb down by myself

I've always been scared of heights*

Why Do We Hurt the One's Who Love Us?

2009-02-22T14:42:00.021+08:00

“By time! Indeed! Man is in loss. Except those who believe and do good deeds, and exhort one another to the truth, and exhort one another to patience.” (Al-Asr : 1-3)

At first I was slightly amused. Afterward, from just a shard of consciousness, it grown out of proportion. It pierces my soul and won't be dislodged. Since I hit the big three O, I’ve developed an urge to keep everything in order. Whether it’s a speck of dust or just the grease on my hand. It’s not easy for other people to see.

There’s no point to any of this. It’s all just... a blank canvas to me… I like to paint, sometimes.

And I, I sit back and I sip my favorite cup of Joe and I ride my own melt, with tears trickling down my cheek. I felt, sad, and strangely, hurt. There's nothing more hurtful, when someone you trust, attacks you without a valid reason.

I’m in my bed. Seemingly oblivious to the passing time. I ended up with the homo-sapient vegetable syndrome. My muscles are still aching all over from PMS, which could render me as incompetent. The only thing that’s still functioning would be my PC, my fingers and of course my cerebrum cortex.

The ennui shadow of me hovers around the room. Like a ghost from the past. Seemingly oblivious to the blaring television and the incessant sound of my growling stomach. The new book by Sulaiman Al-Kumayi I just bought lie ever so quietly on the bedside table. A connotation of failed attempts in reaching the culmination of my literature journey. Then I think of everything. It’s a habit. An old habit. Often as it is, it dies hard. So I started to write. It’s my solace and customarily proved therapeutic. If you visit me with any sort of regularity (like since 1999, when Geo-cities were still alive and kicking), you would know it mainly revolves around my ‘titillating’ arts and thoughts, but this time, it would involves some tear-jerking crusade to triumph over life's ultimate mysteries. Perhaps… is there more than meet the eyes?

So there you go, that’s the story of how this got here in the first place.

The other story however, is a bit longer.

You would rarely see me with this stuff anymore, and, yes - contrary to many popular beliefs, I have an acute sense of humor with a fluttering heart of a poet who cries at the sight of a hungry cat.

This question begs for some answer - Why Do We Hurt the One's Who Love Us?

Sometimes we are alone physically while sometimes we are alone among people. We yearn to love. We yearn to be loved.

If love is such an important part of our lives, why do we push it away? Why do we hurt the one's who care about us? I know the saying is technically,"Why do we hurt the one's we love," but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the times when we hurt the people who look after us and work for our happiness.

Why do we do that?

I think that sometimes we don't realize who loves us and who doesn't. That seems like the easiest answer to me. We don't trust most people and are so wrapped up in our own lives that we don't even realize who is trying to help us and who isn't.

Forget about the fact that they love us.

This is just a general example :

The other day, a friend I have grown to love, really went off on me when I was trying to be there for her. She was disappointed with something and I was trying to make her feel better about it. I suggested something & was saying some kind words and etc. That's when all hell broke out. She went off on me and managed to insult not only what I had said to her, but my character as well. Get the picture?

Another reason we may hurt the one's who loves us is because we don't want them to love us. Sometimes we just don't want to, or can't love someone, so we push them away. I think it's silly to say you can't love someone because there is a difference between loving and being in love. Love is a choice, not a feeling. You choose to treat someone well, it doesn't just happen. So pushing someone away just seems like an easy way to not have to deal with it.

So why do we hurt them? Is causing pain a way to see how long the person can keep taking hits before giving up? Like a test? I don't know, but if you do that kind of stuff, stop it's not cool. Don't push the people who love you away. If they really love you they may give you some good old tough love and you'll find yourself alone for a while, but maybe that's what you need. Love hurts enough already so don't cause any more pain than already needed.

So what can we do to stop hurting the one we love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to learn how to make it safe for our loved ones to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where we genuinely listen and validate the experiences. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. Sometimes, people with the best of hearts, are not mind-readers.

We are all on a journey of awakening, and relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our beloveds’ wounds as well, because we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring to our lives.

So that's all for our Oprah's session today.

If beneficial, Alhamdulillah, if otherwise, consider it, a lengthy gibberish indulgence of yours truly or PMS, or both, not necessarily in that order (forgive me).

I forget sometimes, that I'm just human after all.

Oh ya, with lots and lots of love!

Letting you go

2008-10-19T20:40:00.030+08:00

Narrated Anas: The Prophet said, "Whoever possesses the following three qualities will have the sweetness (delight) of faith: 1. The one to whom Allah and His Apostle becomes dearer than anything else. 2. Who loves a person and he loves him only for Allah's sake. 3. Who hates to revert to Atheism (disbelief) as he hates to be thrown into the fire." (Sahih Bukhari - Book #2, Hadith #15)

Dear A.Z,

Wasted were all these postcard views. I soon realized seasons come and seasons go, nothing but just lessons to be pondered upon.

I feel at peace if I explain my actions to people I care about, because I think it prevents misunderstandings and unnecessary pain. By doing this, I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m still your friend (just not the way you wanted), and I will always care (just not the way it was).

I apologize that I don’t call you whenever I wanted to, or be the same or act the same. I thought to myself, how do I be a friend? Somehow it all ended in tears inside my heart. I no longer have the comfort or the security. Truthfully I have become a phobic. Letting go doesn’t mean, not being caring and honest.

How do I be a friend? You are just someone so far away. At any moment, our life is exactly the way that it is. I am the way I am, you are the way you are and the people in your life are exactly the way they are. We have had different journeys in our lives and so we have learned different things in our special ways. How can we blame and judge each other. I trust that no matter what happens, we will be okay, as long as we choose never to leave Allah's path & sunnah. If we ever strayed as humans will, getting back on track is what we must strive to do.

I’m sure you’d want the memory of our encounter be left as something beautiful and honest. That’s why this letter is intended as a gesture of respect for that memory. It’d be fair; we restore the trust and faith as true mukmin friends with an amicable farewell. There is comfort, generosity and honor in that.

Take care of your health, take care of Allah so He won‘t shut our hearts from hidayah and took His blessings away from us unknowingly. I want you to be loved, happy, safe, here and in the hereafter, despite my limitations. If we never have the chance to see each other again, thank you for everything. I am sorry that we never said goodbyes.

Paling agung teman terulung
Tenunan emas sayap hidupku
Tak ingin ku undur bertamu
Bertakhta teguh
Ke akhir waktu

Memancarkan keluhuran
Cerah kesederhanaan mu
Seindah kejujuranmu

God's design

2008-10-16T16:49:00.008+08:00

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..." (Ar-Ruum : 21)

Root canal. Tax audit. Blind date. Few situations have the power to strike such universal fear in the hearts of single people as the dreaded blind date. The words themselves conjure up images of nervous meetings, awkward silences, and uncomfortable partings.

Match make. It should be interesting. I have yet to commit to one, but few tried, in vain. Possibly because I have developed an innate proverbial inability at showing enthusiasm for matters of the heart.

On the same token, not many know that I actually have an acute sense of humor. “There might be hope at the end of the tunnel”, I can hear them say at those un rendez vous secret de nuit.

Blind dating is only recommended for people who have a sense of humor and who have confidence in themselves to handle any situation that might come along. It is not recommended for control freaks, anxious personalities or individuals that don't handle disappointment or rejection well. If you fear going on a blind date, then don't. Although I have to mention, in Islam, it should be nothing like the 'dating' scene our modern society are so accustomed to. As muslims, women must be accompanied by their mahrams (and istikharah). The meeting should ideally be conducted in the family's home -with clear and pure intention.

"...Glory to You (O, Allah!) We have no knowledge, save that which You have taught us; truly only You, You Alone are, Knowing, Wise." (Al-Baqarah : 32)

I am not actually supremely confident about this subject nor will I be the quintessence of serenity if I were to be 'match-made'. I place myself (from the start) just as someone with a sense of humor. Someone who assigns it all to the hands of Allah - and slightly nonchalant?

Words are cheap

2008-10-15T22:11:00.008+08:00

"And indeed! We have created man, and We know the promptings of his soul, and We (by Our Knowledge) are closer to him than his jugular vein, When the two Keepers (who watch and take care of him) observe and note down what he says and does, one of them sits on his right, and the other on his left. Not a word does he utter (or an act that he does), but there is a guardian by him ready (to record it)." (Al-Qaaf, 16-18)

As with any condition of power, the quickest way to ruin words are by abusing it. Words have long lasting effects, even more so than you may realize. In the future, the reason why you were arguing or having difficulties may not be remembered, but the feelings and words you conveyed will be.

I used to think that I can communicate and able to put points across without much difficulty. I realized that it’s not the case, hard truth is, it takes two trusting and open-hearted people (or more) to communicate. Communication is the principal building block of any relationship, but communication isn't just about expressing a thought. It's also about understanding what the other person is saying, and conveying back to them, that you understand.

We all want, above all, to be heard
- but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood - heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant.

It's amazing, but if you really look closely you'll discover that people are extremely private creatures. For all that we seem wanting to boast and have ourselves become acclaimed, we still tend to bottle our truest and deepest feelings inside. And, for what? Most often to protect our helpless hearts from heaps of pain, anger, ridicule, despair or ultimately heartbreak. But, what if keeping our inner selves hidden is what causes the pain to appear in the first place? Have you ever considered that preventing the people close to us from really getting to know us is what's keeping them from giving their all as well?

There aren't any prerequisite behaviors that you or the other person should have, other than a willingness to understand and listen. Everything else is just a made up excuse to get away with not using real communication.

"And obey Allah and His Messenger, and do not dispute among yourselves, lest you lose courage and your strength will depart from you. And be patient in adversity: Allah is with those who are patient in adversity." (Al-Anfaal, 46)

I kept on asking myself, are we willing to lose that someone who was willing to help us find our real victories? Is it worth it?